How to get into a Really Dumb Marital Argument Over an Ugly Light, in Screenplay Form.

Spouse A enters stage left, stands beneath a hideous chandelier placed in middle of stage.

Spouse A; “I hate this light.”

(It should be mentioned that if this were a book and not a play, the reader would know that Spouse A does indeed think the light is hideous. However, spouse A is also well aware that mention of said light holds some sort of strange voodoo power over spouse B and in the past has resulted in argument. But Spouse A cannot hold back because in this moment she truly believes she cannot look at those ugly bare bulbs one more day…  and the new light is there waiting to be installed… (it should also be mentioned spouse B has 400 other jobs he is diligently working on regarding home restoration) But still…

Spouse A; “it’s just SO bad.”

Spouse B ; “Oh, good. Here we go again. The light! “ (exits stage, angrily)

(If this were a book and not a play we would also know that spouse B is triggered by the light because spouse B subconsciously views the hideous chandelier as a way in which he has somehow failed in making spouse A happy in their new home.)

Spouse A ; (to side of stage) “Oh great, I say I hate the light so you leave… you’re seriously mad at me because I hate the light!? How can you be mad at someone for hating a stupid light? “

Spouse B; (re-enters) “Well, you wanted to argue , so perfect. I guess you’re happy now.  Great.”

Spouse A: “What did I do?! I said  this light is ugly! It’s ugly!!! It’s hideous! It’s not your fault it’s ugly! Forget it!”

Spouse B; “Fine, I will.”

Spouse A; “ FINE.”

Spouse B; “FINE!”

Spouse A; (quiet) “Fine.”

Spouse B; (quiet) “Fine.”

Spouse A; (under her breath, must get last word) “fine.”

(The next hour onstage is spent with spouse A and spouse B interacting only when absolutely necessary, using weirdly formal, overly-polite verbiage.)


....And that’s as much as I’ve written so far. I can’t decide if I should end it the night that they both realize they’re acting insane and make up, (though spouse A stubbornly still does not apologize this particular night…)  or if I should bring it into the next day, and have spouse A write a really bad fake screenplay that says MIKE I’M REALLY SORRY I BROUGHT UP THE LIGHT, I LOVE YOU. So many options… ;)










Marie LambComment